Painful Peace?

I’m sure that almost sounds like an oxymoron. Let me try to explain…

I clearly remember that evening. I had just arrived home from church. This was 1995, just as cell phones were becoming a popular item but before they had become the permanent appendage they are today. I had a message on the answering machine at home to call my sisters. When I called, they told me that my father had just passed that evening. That was the moment I first experienced what I call “painful peace.”

This was a feeling of calm helplessness coupled with restrained security. This was “peace” because at that moment I knew that the perfect will of God had been done. This was “painful” because the perfect will of God was very different from the will of Michael. I wanted God to heal my dad. He had suffered enough and deserved, in my opinion, to be healed of the cancer that was destroying his body. But, God chose to take my father home with Him and let him enter his eternal reward for all the work he had done for God’s kingdom. Besides, God and I had agreed that my father had suffered enough. So, although realizing that my father had gone on to be with God was painful, knowing that my father was no longer suffering was peaceful. That was a moment of painful peace.

Recently, I was reacquainted with “Painful Peace.” It has been my hearts desire for the past decade to travel to the continent of Africa to minister – either through serving in missions, ministering through the preached word or ministering through music. Well, my BIG CHANCE came!

I was at home talking with one of the neighborhood kids that I’d been mentoring when my cell phone (my permanent appendage) rang. It was a local pastor who had allowed me to minister at his church. He was about to head to Kenya this month for a conference with several pastors and churches in the region. There was a well-known international artist scheduled to travel with him who had to cancel on the trip. As he considered a replacement, he thought I’d be a great fit and asked if I’d accompany him to minister in music nightly before he ministered the preached word.

My heart started racing!! In my mind I was already seeing my brothers and sisters in Africa singing and dancing to “Dance In My Feet.” I could see them rejoicing to the words of “Fight For Me.” This was it! I was headed to Africa to minister.

Then reality set in. It became clear that my life wasn’t only about my personal ministry. As I sat with the calendar at my church, I saw that my sudden unplanned absence would affect several events for which I was responsible; and shifting things around wasn’t as easy as I thought. It came down to a decision. Everyone was willing to work with me so that I could go – but was it the right thing to do? Would it be God’s perfect will for me to leave this abruptly (the trip would have been three weeks away) and throw this many things off balance? Would it be good leadership for me to create this great a challenge for my leadership team?

As much as I wanted to justify it all in my head, the answer was clear to me. I couldn’t take this engagement. It wasn’t God’s perfect will. His will was that I deny my desire and decline the opportunity. It was so painful to call that pastor back and say, “I’m sorry but I won’t be able to take that trip with you.” But, as soon as I said it, I felt that “Painful Peace.” I knew that I was doing the perfect will of God.

God’s plan for my life doesn’t always mesh well with my plan. It’s hard to build a house with two different designs. One has to be abandoned so that the other one can be embraced. I have to abandon my plan for my life – my blueprint – so that God’s plan can be fully embraced. And, He usually doesn’t reveal His plan. But He does reveal His face to those who seek Him. And in His face, I always find peace.